Wait, I'm leaving when??? Isshhhh

     I need a remote control for my life…Things are going by so fast and I can't believe that in 9 days, i'm leaving. I look back and it makes me feel sick to know that i'm done with trinity and the people there and i'm moving to auburn to actually start my life. I had to run by trinity today to drop carrington off for God knows what and to pay a bill. I didn't think anything of it until i was about to dart through the burgundy doors of the main hall until i stopped. Cut off white vneck, nike shorts, hair in a messy bun, barefoot, and lacking makeup i stopped in the empty hallway. I just had to set the scene. I seriously thought, this is the LAST time i will set foot, and isn't it rebellious that it wasn't shoe clad, into that school before school year officially starts. It made me feel like i was still a senior, that it was my school. Then, i saw someone fast approaching so i threw on my aviators and ran into my truck. I barely recognize my school. Ok, that's a wee bit dramatic. Right when I leave they would decide to pave a cobblestone walk, plant some trees, and add a whole new building with floor to ceiling windows…so jealous. I mean, i'm gaining complete freedom and the ability to live with reckless abandonment but seriously, floor to ceiling windows? Damn them. 
    I started writing that at like 3 in the morning on friday i think. It's a week now till I move in and things finally change. Spazzing out at 2 am and cataloguing my college stuff and wardrobe is now a habit and hyperventilating in stores and spending a fortune are nothing to blink at. I am now the master of depressing goodbye playlists and holding my tears in until i'm alone. While many people I love are going with me on this roller coaster of fun, i'm leaving a few behind that make up a huge part of my life. I think that's what's really bothering me and making it so hard. God, if i just didn't care about people things would get easier. I got a pair of chacos yesterday so i'm officially a college kid…i feel totes cool. Don't get me started on how my mom is taking this. I was in my room today cleaning out stuff and packing when she walked in and talked with me for a sec. She picks up my trinity senior shirt, says: I cant do this, and swiftly exits the room. I came downstairs to grab some refreshments to find her sobbing into the dishwater as she washed dishes…She's not doing so hot. My dad's doing the push me away thing, and carrington isn't home all week. My mom works all week except on Tuesday and we're bonding but Doug is working all week except wednesday when we're going  to auburn just to look around. So, I only have Monday and Thursday all to myself so i'm going to make the most of those two days. God knows when i'll have time to be completely alone again. So, I'm happy but I'm sad. I'm ready but I'm rendered breathless at the thought of leaving. The crippling feeling of loss scares me. I'm coming back to watch carrington at trinity's first football game but then, who knows when i'll be back. It's scary but invigorating. Sure, i'll miss trinity and the place i went everyday for the past thirteen years but sometimes,  you just have to let go of the past or you'll completely miss out on the present. After all, we're never guaranteed tomorrow. My mom always says that last part. props to lil melin. But, in my words: Peace out montgomery. I won't miss the interconnections and everyone being in each other's business. I won't miss having nothing to do, but i will miss the people i leave behind and nancy's. always nancy…

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change 
Gotta gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leaving

And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then
zac brown band
i'm not a country fan…but i can't stop listening to this song
and scene.

back to black

     There is no such thing as personal space in my house anymore. I sincerely think my family has lost their minds, every single one of them. The reason? 10 days, i'm not even kidding. My imminent departure is having different effects on my family and they're taking it out on me. They've lost their damn minds. Their mindset is that i'm CHOOSING to leave, nevermind that not attending college was never an option. And i thought that waiting to graduate was torture. This little idea has latched inside my mom's brain, like inception, and has take hold. Whenever I try to leave, she says: but you're leaving so soon. you'll see these people everyday and you only have a few days left with me, stay home. It's driving me up the wall, i'm going insane…for real this time. Our  family beach trip was a success, i really enjoyed soaking up the sun and took advantage of everyone being in a good mood to add to my sweater collection. Love brooks brothers..but now i'm back home and i'm stress eating. Literally inhaling handful of my strawberry mini wheats as i set aside what clothes i'm taking…the amount is nauseating. i'm listening to amy winehouse right now while i'm deciding which tshirts to take…the amount of trinity shirts i have is just sad. I really liked amy winehouse…she was a misunderstood talent. I just went off on a huge tangent but back to my soliloquy.


     My family is forcing me to spend quality time with them. This is time i should be spending out of the house, with people I want to see, having fun before i'm thrust into rush where i'll stress the whole time. There are days where my parents do the whole push me away because i'm leaving, those are good days. The bad days are when they want my presence around with a bone-crushing intensity that is quite like suffocation. Hellloo?? my house resembles casey anthony's mind right now…psychotic and soul sucking. Somebody help me puhlease…i get so bored in this house that i sneak out to go for a run. yes, the only way they let me out yesterday was for exercise…It's bad when you're watching shawshank redemption and you think: huh, reminds me of home. If morgan freeman could do the voiceover for my life, that would be just grand. his voice is magic. There's this movie i want to see at the capri tonight that ends TONIGHT.  its called 13 assassins. it's in japanese with english subtitles and includes a 40 minute action sequence. i gotta go see it with my bro, camille, who has been incognito for a month. i've missed her and we don't have much time left! Sorry if my life seems pathetic right now…it kinda is. montgomery is so boring and soul sucking that it puts a dementor to shame…that's bad. But, 10 more days and i'm out. i'll try and keep up my blog in Auburn but no promises. Hopefully i'll be too busy having crazy fun to write…ha ha ha
You went back to what you knew 
So far removed from all that we went through 
And I tread a troubled track 
My odds are stacked 
I'll go back to black 

We only said good-bye with words 
I died a hundred times 
You go back to her 
And I go back to..... 

I go back to us 
amy winehouse
and scene. 

Surf's Up Dude

     I want to be a journalism major. I'm pretty sure i mentioned that in my ode to camp war eagle but i'm reiterating it now. I really love writing and seeing how what I have to say affects people. It's a pretty amazing feeling when I see that people in Spain, or England, or Switzerland are reading my little blog here. Shout out to my peeps outside the U.S! Love ya'll for reading this when you don't even know who I am. I think i'll post some pictures to let you see how I live here in Alabama. Thats my roomy haley and me! i'm in the cam hat. So, it's 20 days till I move to Auburn. That's so crazy. I should be packing for my beach trip I have tomorrow but i'm the world's worst procrastinator so i won't pack a single bikini top till tomorrow morning. Oh well, old habits die hard.
     I really really REALLY love the beach. Right when we enter the vicinity of the ocean and i smell that first whiff of salty air, it's like i could stay here forever. I love walking on hot sand that swallows my feet and manages to find it's way into all my belongings. Tasting the salty water and pretending that no shark would ever feast on me never gets old. I think sitting in an oversized beach chair with a big, floppy hat on just roasting in the sun is the 8th wonder of the world. For real. And, i'm not being egotistical, it never fails for me to be hit on by a 16 year old just floating in the water. I'll bring my mac "cheese" with me to keep my beach adventure posted. I'm also a fan of beach people watching. Nothing compares, not even Trinity sporting events or a trip to Francesca's. God, the things people wear to the beach. The older, heavier woman that still think wearing a two piece is even acceptable and not revolting blow my mind. I'm just saying, i'm not the only person out there who wants to vomit at the sight of all those unsightly rolls and crevices. Sorry, that got a little visual but it had to be said. I gotta address the fact that some guys wear wayyyy too tiny mankinis. Please leave some to the imagination and stop stuffing to make yourself look better. Attention wannabe studs: sucking in and begin really tan does not make up for the fact that you're creeping me out with your sidelong glances and grey lawn of chesthair. Gag me. It's really crazy when you see someone who actually looks halfway decent at the beach. It's like finding a needle in a haystack really. But sometimes, people go a little too far, thinking they look totally hot and wear the craziest bathing suits. i mean, this is not a nude beach, oh wait, now i see the string of a bikini you're wearing. yeah, blech. I think the people decide its smart to mix beer or any alcohol with extreme heat are my favorite. hey, you're making a fool of yourself but you're so entertaining, carry on.
    Food at the beach is AMAZING. i love seafood, om nom nom. lobster and seafood pasta are the bomb.com. ok, i'm being really sporadic and i'm tired. it's been a really long day and lets just say, things will always catch up with you. always. your past doesn't fade away with your thought of it, it will always wriggle it's way back in and screw things up. sorry, that's depressing but it's been like that these past few days. I'm excited for auburn and starting over. Tabula rosa: that means clean slate.
here's my new song:
it's seven o'clock
i already feel late
all the pain from my stress are beating my chest
about decisions i've had to make
well i breathe in light
and i breathe out light
run my hands through my hair, threw my breath in the air
oh, i'm so tired of running

when all your bad boys have gone sour
and you're shivering, cold and alone in a shower
oh baby that soap won't make you clean
screaming at jesus just to let you bleed

it's seven-thirty
i can smell the candles burning
i could go to sleep now
i'll just wait till morning
when the melodies come and sing me stories
all the birds that can talk
no, they're never boring

there's nothing like hearing that girl cry on the receiver
and your stomach hurts so bad 'cause you think you need her
so you down that cough syrup
you love feeling so screwed up
and you crawl up those steps and read yourself to sleep
yeah, you crawl up those steps and sing yourself to peace

it's eight o'clock
she didn't eat today
yeah, hurting herself's never felt this great
well you see that green hill, friend
that's where i'm gonna be
watching glory coming in the form of morning

i was found on that dark hillside
with a certain painting by my side
screaming: knock down the house of regret
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel younger and younger
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel like you can't again
knock it down, pave it over
till your heart's warmer and warmer
knock it down, pave it over
till you wake up born again
wild sweet orange: check em out
and scene.

The Perks of Being a Strange Bird

     I've been doing a lot of serious thinking lately, trying to figure out what i'm really doing with my life, what direction i'm taking and whether i'm making some major mistakes. Taking a step back from your life and really surveying all that you've done, all that you want to do, and those that you have in your life can honestly be scary. There are so many components to one person's life and I am no exception. I get easily tangled up in so many situations because I want to experience everything and always say "at least I tried." I'm an easily dissatisfied person, that's a good category to put myself in. I'm an honest person and that is probably my biggest mistake. You see, I always believe that people are as honest with me, as I am with them. Yes, always. I think people are innately good, even if I perceive things in a centrally pessimistic manner. This doesn't mean I don't have my doubts when people tell me certain things, I just hate being lied to. Nothing hurts more than knowing you didn't matter enough to receive the truth, or that someone thinks so little of you that you will believe anything they say. A blatant lie is a crippling thing, and a liar is someone who will always make their way into my life. They will always take advantage and become a leech, or a parasite; sucking the energy and time from a person they "care about."
     I've come to realize that, while people can relate easily to what i'm thinking or talking about, I perceive things differently than others. I'm not trying to be egotistical or make myself seem different from the masses, believe me, I'm just like anybody. But sometimes, and these times are increasing rapidly, I feel like nobody gets things the way I do. Maybe i'm just weird and notice minute details that slip past others' radar. I'm reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and again, the honesty becomes a crippling factor. An achilles heel if you will. It seems to me that those who are inherently more honest, are viewed as simple, naive, and different. It's as if lying is viewed as the determining factor of normalcy. Please, could someone tell me when honesty and a simple belief in human decency was viewed as weak or strange? I think about these things and they keep me up at night. I guess i'm just susceptible to deceit…great. Move in day is 22 days away and i'm being my O.C.D. self and panicking daily. I have to have everything just so and I have a nagging feeling that i'm not going to be ready. lets not even delve into my emotional status right now…thats a minefield waiting to detonate. i know i'm just prattling on right now but i'm feeling kinda weird and needed to let this out.        
     i'm leaving for the beach wednesday and i bought some stuff for my trip and i'm excited. i'm still looking for a hippie headband to wear, ya know the ones that tie in the back and go braided across a forehead? i want one that tribal print colors, i love tribal or aztec prints. just call me Pocahontas, yall. Again, I'm reading "perks" and the way it's written inspires me all the more to continue my plan with majoring in journalism. The honesty and expression: I feel infinite, is just brilliant, bloody brilliant. yeah, i saw harry potter again today. still going through post potter depression and being a music addict. to each his own i guess.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Perks of being a wallflower- new fav book
and scene.

It All Ends.

     Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Malfoy, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Hedwig, Hogwarts, Snape, Sirius, Bellatrix, and Voldermort. All names that have been mentioned countless times throughout a decade of my life and each with an unexplainable significance to millions.
     Last night I attended my final Harry Potter premiere and it was, in a word, bittersweet. Seeing all the other fans in wizard decor always brings back a flood of memories from my childhood. Ever since second grade, I have been engrossed with the Harry Potter world. I remember going to see that first movie in 2001 and thinking that nothing could ever top it. Throughout the years, I read every single book, buying them the day they were released and never putting them down until I was finished. The intricate world that J.K. Rowling created just fascinated me and left me, as well as many others, hungry for more. In fourth and fifth grade, let's just say I got a little obsessed. I had a major crush on Daniel Radcliffe and loved it when anyone said I looked like Hermione. I was a serious HP fan, it's a little embarrassing to look back on.
     Of course like any other fan I had my favorite characters. Harry was always number one on my list, followed closely by Sirius and Malfoy. I can't explain why I always had a thing for Malfoy, he's such a simpering guy but I feel bad for him. Sirius was just a baller, case closed. I loved Harry because he wasn't a crazy amazing wizard who could do anything, he was just a normal guy who had fame and a crippling prophecy thrust upon him. Without that scar, he would have been a completely normal, if not slightly brooding wizard. People may scoff at the thick and interwoven plot of HP, but it has to be one of the most brilliant story lines I have ever seen. The Deathly Hallows is my favorite book by far, team hallows over horcruxes any day. Holla. I have this ritual when I reread the series. I always read the Hallows first, then read the Sorcerer's stone through the Hallows again. My philosophy is that it helps you really tie all of the intricate details together, from end to beginning back to end. Call me crazy but it works.

      The end of an era can be heartbreaking. I remember finishing the Hallows for the first time, after recovering over the fact snape was good and apologizing to him in my head, and lingering on that last page, not wanting to read it and knowing it was finally over. I know I sound like a complete freak right now, but I know that so many people feel the same way as me. Many people have said that the ending of Harry Potter was the ending of a childhood and that is one of the most depressing things I have ever heard. I heard that statement countless times last night as we waited in the most insane line I have ever seen. I had been anticipating this for the past week, if not for the past 10 years. This was the premiere to end all premieres, I say this with a learned conviction because I have been to my fair share. I have the past 4 under my belt, as well as all the Twilights. Not many things can top a premiere. You see the craziest people and get so excited about seeing a much anticipated movie right when it comes out. Downing vaults to stay awake, watching the previous movie with friends before, and standing in line for hours all add to the overall experience. Last night, elise, avery, lacy, lisa, madison, carrington and I all attended the premiere. Stephen and Meredith were lost once we got inside. We all piled in a car, lil Carrington in tow and hallows marks visible, and stood in awe as we saw the huge line that wrapped around the theatre like Nagini. little hp joke for your benefit. We even got there at 10 and people had been there since 8…in the morning. It was a little hot and sticky but soon, luck came our way. Everyone with 2D tickets were allowed to come to the front of the line, too bad I had a 3D but madison managed to sneak me in under a blanket…the things I do for Harry. I have never failed to get a seat in the top row and it was so last night.
     The movie was everything I thought it would be and, clichely, so much more. It was definitely the best one and lived up to Rowling's novel beautifully. I was on the edge of my seat a good part of the movie, gasping along with the theatre when Harry fumbled for Horcruxes, learned that Snape was good after all, that Dumbledore was a complete arse, that Neville was hot, when people look unattractive, and when Harry realized he was the final Horcrux. The final movie was brimming with action and plot twists and plot linkings, tying everything we have ever known and wondered about Harry Potter into an amazing package. Sincerely mind. blown. In short, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II had to be one of, if not the greatest cinematic experience. Sure, it is the end of an era, a childhood for millions per say but, contradictory to the celebrated tagline, it never really ends. Not really.
After all this time, Severus?
Always.
Stay close to me.
Always.
And Scene.

The Auburn Experience-Camp War Eagle Style

     When asked why i was attending Auburn by my counselor at camp war eagle, I simply said: Cam Newton of course. I should have known that things would be rough when barely anyone laughed and most took me seriously.  To attend Auburn University, each incoming freshman must participate in a two day, one night camp to become acquainted with the campus, be briefed on Auburn rules and expectations, and make sure you know exactly what you're getting into. These camps are rumored to be a big ball of awkward and for the most part, it's kinda true.
     I was a procrastinator and didn't sign up for camp with the other 30 or so trinity students so i was stepping into camp basically blindfolded with no hope of knowing anyone. Great since I love people so much. Upon arriving, I was accosted at my vehicle by several smiling, orange clad, name tag bearing camp  counselors taking my bags, handing me papers, and ushering me to the next level of the parking deck so I could go to orientation and breakfast. Doug and Melin were enrolled into the parent's portion of the camp but they got to return home after the first day to sleep in their own bed...I had to spend the night in a dorm room with a complete stranger and two other complete strangers sharing my bathroom. personal space was nonexistent at camp WE. After eating a spoonful of yogurt and trying to maneuver through the throngs of people in the student center, we finally made it to orientation. I was soon separated from the rents and told to check in. i was in owen where i met my roommates and suit-mates. My roommate knew me from youth leg and she was korean. I'm sorry, i suck at names. One of my suit-mates reminded me of someone off seventeen magazine and was from ohio. The other was Brianna and she was in group 24 with me (you get separated into small groups of about 13 people). She liked rap...catch my drift.

     Our group leader was Kensey and he was fratastic. I had the most random group EVER. Lemme break it down: 1 naive, navy brat. 1 genius, 1 guy with pink mohawk and lip ring done himself, 2 guys who looked like twins but didn't know each other, 1 random, confused girl, 1 guy who reminded me of Tpain, 1 super cool dude with a faux-hawk, 2 typical sorority hopefuls (1 i liked a whole lot more), 1 interior designer, and me. categorize me as you wish. Our groups played games, suffered through the severe heat and ants bites, and underwent several alcohol/rape/social issue classes. We also had to all eat together and answer some difficult questions honestly, no problem there. I tried to find one good thing about each person in my group and I succeeded as best I could. I ran into some people I knew along the way and met tons of new people. Taking tours of the campus, despite the incorrigible heat, was a serious lifesaver. I really did learn a lot. Sure, we had lame things like late night activities, skits, pep rallies, and generic conversations but I did have some fun. I met some really awesome people, learned how to make a schedule and more about my major, rode around in a pimped out van with some counselors, reason? my friend hurt her ankle and i got to be transported with her. ballin. Toomer's was yummy and i was so happy when i got to go to sleep that night and learned my roommate didn't really speak unless she was calling her mom and spoke in korean. The water pressure was amazing but i don't wanna have to share a bathroom. Ok, this is such a long post but that was my trip! I move to Auburn in 26 days and i'm really excited. I'm still not 100% sure I made the correct decision of going to Auburn but we'll see.
   So, I survived camp war eagle. Me, the girl who hates being around annoying people. Sure, I got to make fun of plenty of new subjects but i'm just glad i got to see my new home and glimpse my upcoming freedom.
LEH GO
Alright Tiger fans! Get your hands up for Bodda Getta!!
ARE. YOU. READY?
Bodda Getta, Bodda Getta, Bodda Getta, Bah
Rah Rah Rah Ciss Boom Bah
Weagle, Weagle, War Damn Eagle
ok stop. basta.
And Scene.
  

Auburn Bound But My Mind's Not So Sound

     I leave my lovely home of wetumpka for Auburn in 29 days. I know the days for sure because i have a countdown on the desktop of my mac. yes, i finally got my macbook pro and lemme tell ya, it's pretty much ballin. I can barely put this thing down because the possibilities of entertainment are endless. I named him cheese. You may scoff at my choice but it makes me laugh. You know, like mac n' cheese? you laughed, giggled, or guffawed...admit it. I even foraged the internet to find the perfect green case for him, like a little home for my baby.  Going off to college is actually a lot of work. Crazy I know since you think actually being in college would be the tough part. You really don't realize how much stuff you have to buy to get ready for the big move. After all, you are picking up and moving to a totally different, if not miniature version, of your home. There is so much ish you have to get for this room. The amount really adds up after a while. Just ask my mom, Melin gets easily upset with the rising tally. I keep telling her, it's not about the money, money, money, but she just doesn't appreciate my ode to Price-tag. $orry mom. I don't blame her though, Auburn is basically wearing a hole in her little dooney wallet. I'm actually forking over quite a hefty amount of my graduation money. I'm now a preferred customer of Urban Outfitters theses days and receive cheerful emails from them asking me to $pend more....and I do. I can't help it, all their stuff is just so cute. Same goes for amazon....can't stop.
      Speaking of Amazon and dorm decor, I recently deliberated fiercely on what movie poster to adorn the wall of my room. I chose my favorite movie: Pulp Fiction. I'm putting up a picture of what it looks like right here. I'm super duper excited! My mom thinks it sends a bad message but i don't cur. I say it sends the message that I have amazing taste in movies. Anyway, Haley and I have been trying to coordinate room colors and furniture and spacing and oh man it gets overwhelming. That and trying not to hyperventilate whenever rush is mentioned is so time consuming and tiring. So worth it though. The fact that I get to go live in Auburn keeps me going. Sure, I'm going to miss some people and aspects of my life here but Montgomery life has worn out it's welcome and i'm on the edge of my sanity, seriously my hold on reality is slipping everyday I venture into montgomery. One thing i'll miss...sushi cafe....yum yum! Anyway, camp war eagle is on monday and tuesday and i'm pretty sure it'll be an adventure. I'll blog and keep my experience posted on here. It sure to be warrrrrrrrtastic! haha i wish...
War... Eagle, fly down the field. 
Ever to conquer, never to yield. 
War... Eagle, fearless and true. 
Fight on, you orange and blue. 
Go! Go! Go! 
On to vict'ry, strike up the band. 
Give 'em hell, give 'em hell; 
Stand up and yell, Hey! War...Eagle win for Auburn, 
Power of Dixie Land! 

     LEH GO
and scene.