I set fiiiiire to the rain…but really

    There are days when i miss being a little kid or just a high school senior at Trinity. I feel like making that statement is a declaration of treason to Auburn and trinity graduates alike. Well, call me Benedict Arnold because i'm feeling nostalgia hitting me in strong waves over the past few days, or more like weeks.
     Maybe it's due to a loss of shell shock. Maybe the smoke cleared and the dust settled. Maybe it's just me putting things off to deal with them later. Or maybe, I was kidding myself by saying I hated montgomery, trinity, and my whole life and needed something new. Wanting things you cannot have is an unavoidable part of human nature, i guess that's what makes it so tantalizing and appealing. Nobody likes the impossible and I always love a challenge, that's why i've been yearning to turn back the clock and reset it at a year, or maybe two ago. People can go on and on about "living with no regrets" but, as hard as anyone might try, fight, avoid…regrets in life are never elusive. And i am starting to be ok with that. I've made peace with my demons as best I can and know that you can always regret something, you just have to move past it and keep living. While at Auburn, I've been learning things, been put in certain positions that show me Trinity and Montgomery were not so bad. Where all I had to worry about was graduating in a school where I knew failure wasn't going to happen. Where everybody knows your name and you feel proud and important to go to Trinity and have your friends. Where my biggest concern in life was my boyfriend, going out with friends, and if i made it back on time before curfew. I thought that was hard. Now, my mind is filled with so many worries and frustrations that it make me sick. Literally though, I have a brutal sinus infection and nasty case of bronchitis. my incessant coughing leads to stares from neighboring students and sleepless nights due to a gut wracking, chest clenching cough that never stops. I have to sit in an English class where i'm told i can barely write a C level paper and feel like my "gift" was just good by Montgomery standards. That my worst fear, that I can't write, is finally coming to fruition. In a school this large, i finally feel what it's like to be insignificant. Sure, i've been wrapped up in my own little bubble to fend off these feelings, but it's not hard for them to latch on and seep in. I don't feel like the same person. I'm better in some aspects: i'm more accepting, less tempted to be angry, and more optimistic but i'm starting to feel lost and doubting myself, something i don't like feeling.

    I'm a naturally curious person so i've begun questioning myself on some of things that are bothering me. I've decided to work harder and be determined to excel and not feel a woe begotten feeling of need when I thing of my old life. I can't have it and all I have is now. I know I am not insignificant to the people I love and who love me. I've been to church so much lately and know that, these doubts, this too shall pass. I'm not alone, and I'm loved by people in a way that was impossible in the stifling halls of trinity. I'm done doubting myself and my abilities because I know what I can do, now I just have to get off my ass and grab them by the…hands. Thanks for being my therapist, always appreciated. Oh look, another sunrise and  i'm still listening to Adele. sometimes i think: thank God for adele.

'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.

But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!

I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!

Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.



let it burn, adele. and scene. 

Wise Words

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life." --Bob Marley


I found this truly beautiful and inspirational, just wanted to share it with ya'll!!
  and scene.

I am thankful for: you!

Whenever Thanksgiving rolls around, I like to write a list of some things i'm especially thankful for this year. Surry if thats lame but it really puts things into perspective. So, here are some things i'm so thankful for this year 2011:
1. God's never relenting love and grace- without it, i would be lost and never found
2. the love of a very special person in my life-it isn't always perfect, but to me its everything
3. my amazing family-they keep me sane
           Daddy- he is the person I aspire to be. My twin personality
           Mom- the one who keeps me pushing forwards, toward perfect grades
           Carrington- my precious puffin, i love her more than words. a perfect angel
           Nanny-sweetest most generous, loving person i know. it makes my day when I'm told i look like her
           Paw Paw- favorite person in the world. When he calls me shuga, it makes me smile like nothing else
4. my health-i am so healthy and i'm so thankful for it
5. Auburn University- for accepting me and becoming my new home
6. Tri Delt and my sisters-for making me one of their own
7. my roommate Haley- for getting me through some hard times and sharing millions of laughs
8. my new best friend bethany- for teaching me where haleyville is and for letting me sleepover everyday
9. cold weather- it is so beautiful and my favorite time of the year
10. another birthday- i am so thankful to be alive *November 30th
11. my iPhone- very shallow but it gets me through the day
12. pinterest- for letting me pin things
13. music, music, music- for putting my feelings into words that i could never say otherwise
14. Dr. Farmer- my english professor who lets me write about crazy topics
15. Emily Bethea- one of my best friends who when i talk to, seems like nothing has changed. i love you
16. Books- for entertaining me when nothing else can
17. J.K. Rowling- for making my childhood magical

18. Louis and the new puppies- for letting me see the cutest things in the world
19. Christmastime- it's the most wonderful time of the year
20. mistakes- how else am i going to learn?
21. love- there is nothing like it and i am forever changed by having it.

And every demon wants his pound of flesh

But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
And I've been a fool and I've been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I'm always dragging that horse around
And our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I'm gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it's always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaah
Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh woaaaah
And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off, oh woah
I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn
      so thankful for Florence- inspiring
and scene.

Untouchable, burning brighter than the sun. And when you're close, I feel like coming undone

     Oh boy, what would I do without Taylor Swift, or tsweezy as I lovingly refer to her. I swear, her music fills up my sad song and sleepy song playlist and even thought i'm a teenage girl cliche, I can honestly say her music makes me feel better or lets me sulk when I'm sad and need to pity myself. It's all about feeling that you're not alone and her music reaches out and lets you know you're not the only one who thinks boys suck, you're not the only one to have your heart broken, and you're not the only one who feels invisible. Seeing someone as perfect as her cry while singing last kiss and knowing she feels like ish too, can make anyone feel better. Anyone. Even boys, ya know ya listen to her too! People may hate on the tsweez but, like the new adage says: haters gon hate. True dat y'all.

   I'm gonna follow my sad girl cliches and also say I heart Grey's Anatomy. Oh my goodness I could just sit and watch that show for hours, and I do. How emburassin. I wanted to be a plastic surgeon since I was 5. Yes, since I was 5. That dreamed lived on til about April of last year when I was drowning in AP Bio and barely surviving math. I had to lay my precious lifelong dream aside for a more realistic one: Law School. I love to argue, I'm competitive as hell, and I never back down. Perfection right? I also love reading and writing sewww that helps. Back to my love, Grey's. Good Lord that cast. They are some of the most beautiful people I have ever seen. My mom is a nurse and works in a hospital and she reminds me all the time, the drama is real, all the sex everywhere is real, but the people are never that attractive but their ego's are massive. Go figure. I say that you go through that much schooling and you can save my life, you deserve the extra attitude. Go for it, pat yourself on the back because I want to be you. I want to put people back together again, make them better that new, feel that rush when you complete something amazing and life changing, or life saving. But, i suck at math. and science.
So i go to fixing things that relies on a strong basis that never changes: the law. And that, is pretty damn amazing. You may be able to save a life McDreamy, but I can find a way to salvage someone's whole life and find justice where it is due and I think that's pretty incredible. So, I want to be a doctor. i want a McSteamy of my own. I want to work with Eric Dane and stare at him all day but my dream is pretty awesome too. In some ways, it's more realistic. I won't kill anyone at my hands and I can change peoples minds by what I have to say. Try persuading a malignant tumor not to spread, Grey. Just something I was thinking on. Well, back to Grey's and my teenage cliche of listening to tsweezy while I type.
I've never gone with the windJust let it flowLet it take me where it wants to goTill you open the doorThere's so much moreI've never seen it before
I was trying to flyBut I couldn't find wingsThen you came alongAnd you changed everything
You lift my feet off the groundSpin me aroundYou make me crazier, crazierFeels like I'm falling and II'm lost in your eyesYou make me crazier,Crazier, crazier
and scene. 

Nicki, and Scarves, and Pumpkins OH MY!!

    It's been sooooo long since i've gotten to blog! I've totes missed it, like for real. I don't even have a topic, i'm just so excited to be back to bloggin. So, Auburn and Tri Delt are keeping me very very busy. Spanish 2020 is kickin my butt and I have to study like a mother for that class. I literally dread walking into that room every day. Picture it: everyone is pretty fluent except this gal. Sure, I can understand what people are saying but verb conjugations make me wanna puke and using them in a sentence or with my superior partners is a real drag. I have an oral exam, sounds icky, in there tomorrow. Good news: it only lasts 4 minutes. Bad news: in those 4 minutes, i have to talk to my randomly chosen partner, using everything we've learned this semester, while my teacher takes notes. My luck, i'll be stuck with the guy from Costa Rica. Yeah, he's a freaking native. Yohn taught me, i don't know ish. I'm aiming for a mediocre C, that'd be so auss. After that, I get to drive home to good ole Montgomery for Trinity's homecoming game. I really have missed my actual family, and my trinity family. I really don't get to see them enough. I've been so happy here at Auburn, I really have. Sure, not everything goes as I plan and juggling people and school work and a sorority is really hard but i wouldn't change it. I feel really free a lot of the time and thats a great feeling. Waking up in the mornings to go to trinity would feel like I was going to jail almost, now a days, I literally smile on the way to class I'm so glad to be here. Speaking of inappropriate and embarrassing grinning on my walks to class, nothing inspires a plain ole good mood like this chilly weather. I've been so happy and chipper that's in inexplicableness is starting to scare people. I even bought yet another scarf today. I just really love the cold, it means Christmas is coming. Christmas Pandora is constantly playing on my computer and I visit stores just to smell the cinnamon and see the decorations. Don't get me wrong, I love love love Halloween and October. Halloween is second to Christmas, i mean who doesn't like creepy decorations and pumpkins and costume parties? It's un-American if you don't! My next week is so packed with Halloween inspired events is cray cray
     I hate swaps, I truly do. From a few of the swaps, I've made friends and actually keep up with the people i met on the reg but honestly, most of theme are just plain kward. The guys can even drink so you'd think they'd be a little less awkward and more smooth, wrong-o. Obviously the alcohol doesnt loosen them up enough. Please stop asking me what my major is, how i like tri delt, where i'm from, and if i like the swap so far. You are swaying in my face and you reek. You could actually be an ok guy but you're ruining this by trying to be cool and concerned and wanting to get to know my soul. Not gonna happen. I have like 3 swaps a week and i have a halloween social next week. I'm going as Nicki Minaj and couldn't be happier. I have Halloween parties and pumpkin carving and bonfires and I'm so excited. I have to finish finding nickiesque stuff for my consume then i'm all set. I really love my friends here, they're the bomb. I can't wait to go home and get all my cold weather stuff and did I mention all my UGGS and SWEATERS!!! eeeep can't contain muhself. Well, I might head off to the paranormal activity 3 premiere now. Hate to part with amc's Fear Fest. I love it so much. Cant wait to be scurrrrred.
Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
Robert Frost
   and scene. 

I Believe in Auburn…and Love It!

       Whoever said high school was the best years of your life was smoking some serious drugs. College is the best experience you can ever hope to have. Things that mattered so much in high school, don't matter worth a shit now. The cattiness of high school and the insecurities and the drama all fade away when you come to college. Things are so much freer and people are so freaking accepting that sometimes I wake up and wonder: is this real life? 
        Even trekking to class everyday doesn't dampen my mood. Most days my classes don't start till 11, i have an hour for lunch, and then classes end at 2:50. I get to take naps whenerrrrr i want and if i wanna go grab some chick fil a, go to the
 library (lame), or stay out late I CAN. nobody is my boss but me and I lurve it. I seriously meet new people everyday and being on a campus this large can bring in some pretty cool and some pretty weird cats. I don't know if its the newfound freedom, but i can only count on one hand the people that I don't like and have just met. Auburn is seriously the friendliest, most approachable place on earth. It's not like a creepy HI!!!! wherever you go, it's just a feeling of being comfortable when you have to grab some lunch alone and work on your laptop. Its the feeling of walking into a class of 250 and not knowing a soul but when you walk out you know at least 3 and they'll remember your name next week. It's a tangible feeling of a home you've never known and i couldn't be happier. One thing that can just tick anyone off might just be the avid cyclists milling about campus. They are the most inconsiderate people on this earth i think. I applaud them on their ability to maneuver between the crowds and narrowly escape confrontations with trash cans and cars alike but whenever i hear a chain clinking or pedals pumping i know i'm going to have to jump out of the way. Must be the irrational fear of getting my heels clipped. People stare a lot here, too. Like i constantly have to ask Haley if I have grown a third eye or something the way people stare. Everybody stares at everyone, guess its just a curiosity thing. At least put on some sunglasses so I can't see your eyes please. Just so you know, a tigercard is the best thing ever invented. During my lunch break, I buy some sushi, philly rolls, and a DP and go eat with my friends Bethany and Lil Logan. I just swipe that little card and its done. It's amazing and I eat dinner at chick fil a like every night. Panda express comes to Auburn today!!! Totes excited, come on freshman 50.

      College wasn't completely what I expected. The fact that I just let go of so many factors of my old life and embraced all college has to offer is scary. It's easy to forget about Trinity and the people who go there. When you don't see people everyday and you're insanely busy, they start to fade. Sure, some people who are so important to me still remain in my sight but others…just aren't there anymore. I thought when I went back for the Trinity football game I would be more nostalgic and weepy but truth be told, there is so much more out there than that small bubble of my home town and school. I've met so many people from different walks of life and I really have grown up in the short weeks i've been here. Having to fend for yourself all the time and manage your time, money, and relationships can cause someone to mature and not take things for granted. My mindset of thinking has also been affected. It's surprisingly easier to deal with things when I know I am not alone. I have a whole sorority and other friends to lean on to get me through hard times and I am so thankful for that. Haley is my roomy and we go everywhere together! Dinner, Chapter, Swaps, Phi Tau, Gym, and laundry are all together and I love that I don't have to worry about being alone all the time. Well, I'm tired which is always the case. I'll try and blog about my upcoming events soon. Can't wait for this weekend and the game! yeah, I have a date. I'll post pics. 


I had a way then losing it all on my own, 
I had a heart then but the Queen has been overthrown,
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat, 
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me.

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, 
You shine It when I'm alone,
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong,
And dreaming when they're gone.

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home, 
Calling, calling, calling home. 
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, 
You shine It when I'm alone. 
    Ellie Goulding is my girl and Lights is my jam. Bassnectar biatch.
and scene. 

What Would You Doooo….For a Bid?

     War Damn, ya'll. I'm back to the blogging world. Why you may ask? Because I am experiencing my first instance of boredom in college life. That's right: mandatory study hours in the chapter room. Little blog world, there is so much to tell about my new life that i won't be able to fit it all in one blogpost. That would be insane! Let's start off by saying college is the best time of your life thus far. The unyielding freedom in every aspect of life is intoxicating. Like, i'm in awe every single day at how much fun i'm having and how happy I am. Sure the long trek to class each day and the never failing heat can be a bummer but i would take that instead of being stuck in montgomery any day.

    Auburn is perfect. The town is precious and really not too small. The campus is gorgeous, my room isn't that bad, and almost everyone is awesome. I've met so many great new people. Don't get me wrong, there are a bunch of creepers out there but even those creeps are still pretty cool. I'll dedicate a post to all the sorority and frat stereotypes and whether those involved live up to their name. So before I could have all this fun, i had to endure a minor portion of hell. That would be RUSH, ya'll and its the closest thing to torture anyone could ever imagine. You spend your days primping and polishing until you are thrust into the heat for extended periods of time only to be teased with a promise of air conditioning. For small portions of time, you are sent in single file, with about 75 other girls, into a small, seemingly ornate chapter room where about 100 or more screaming sorority girls await you. During these painful moments of time, small talk is forced with your assigned hostess. During these minute and scathingly shallow conversations, you are judged on what you wear, how you talk, how pretty you are, how much you weigh, your hair, and any other possible thing you can think of. One of the scariest parts? the person and the people you are switched off to, know almost everything about you. They've read and studied your transcript and Facebook like you're the biggest exam of their lives and failure is not an option. As badly as you are trying to impress these girls, they're trying equally as hard to impress you. Touring around 17 different sororities trying to find the perfect fit can be a little overwhelming, especially when all you have milling about are about 1,500 girls all vying for a chosen spot in Auburn's elite. The cattiness and potential eye clawing, not to mention blatant body scans, blood curdling stares,  and high pitched wails are enough to make anyone want to drop out of the whole process all together. What you need is a strong support system and a hot shower every night.
      As each day wears on and the emotional turmoil begins to kick into overdrive, girls are cut from favorites and the phrase "my life is over" resonates around the village. While I never felt so at a loss for hope, I did feel the weariness of a week filled with cheer, first impressions, fraudulence, heat, paired with the need to form ties with people you barely know and not knowing what will happen tomorrow can impede on anyone's sanity. In the end, you end up where you are supposed to be. Through the tears, the blisters, the sore, rusty throat, the sweating, and the mental breakdowns at 2 in the morning, you wait in your line on bid day. Hundreds of people are there to watch the reactions. Whether you cry, laugh, scream, or trample each other, each action is welcome for the crowd. As you wait in anticipation for Aubie to roll up and deliver your bid, could be one of the worst feelings in the world. After you get your bid and rip it open and run to your letters, life is never the same. Seriously, it isn't. Tri Delta runs my life and I love it. I gotta sleep and get ready for class but i'll blog about sorority life so soon. Auburn is great, sincerely. War Damn Eagle Bitches.

and scene.

Wait, I'm leaving when??? Isshhhh

     I need a remote control for my life…Things are going by so fast and I can't believe that in 9 days, i'm leaving. I look back and it makes me feel sick to know that i'm done with trinity and the people there and i'm moving to auburn to actually start my life. I had to run by trinity today to drop carrington off for God knows what and to pay a bill. I didn't think anything of it until i was about to dart through the burgundy doors of the main hall until i stopped. Cut off white vneck, nike shorts, hair in a messy bun, barefoot, and lacking makeup i stopped in the empty hallway. I just had to set the scene. I seriously thought, this is the LAST time i will set foot, and isn't it rebellious that it wasn't shoe clad, into that school before school year officially starts. It made me feel like i was still a senior, that it was my school. Then, i saw someone fast approaching so i threw on my aviators and ran into my truck. I barely recognize my school. Ok, that's a wee bit dramatic. Right when I leave they would decide to pave a cobblestone walk, plant some trees, and add a whole new building with floor to ceiling windows…so jealous. I mean, i'm gaining complete freedom and the ability to live with reckless abandonment but seriously, floor to ceiling windows? Damn them. 
    I started writing that at like 3 in the morning on friday i think. It's a week now till I move in and things finally change. Spazzing out at 2 am and cataloguing my college stuff and wardrobe is now a habit and hyperventilating in stores and spending a fortune are nothing to blink at. I am now the master of depressing goodbye playlists and holding my tears in until i'm alone. While many people I love are going with me on this roller coaster of fun, i'm leaving a few behind that make up a huge part of my life. I think that's what's really bothering me and making it so hard. God, if i just didn't care about people things would get easier. I got a pair of chacos yesterday so i'm officially a college kid…i feel totes cool. Don't get me started on how my mom is taking this. I was in my room today cleaning out stuff and packing when she walked in and talked with me for a sec. She picks up my trinity senior shirt, says: I cant do this, and swiftly exits the room. I came downstairs to grab some refreshments to find her sobbing into the dishwater as she washed dishes…She's not doing so hot. My dad's doing the push me away thing, and carrington isn't home all week. My mom works all week except on Tuesday and we're bonding but Doug is working all week except wednesday when we're going  to auburn just to look around. So, I only have Monday and Thursday all to myself so i'm going to make the most of those two days. God knows when i'll have time to be completely alone again. So, I'm happy but I'm sad. I'm ready but I'm rendered breathless at the thought of leaving. The crippling feeling of loss scares me. I'm coming back to watch carrington at trinity's first football game but then, who knows when i'll be back. It's scary but invigorating. Sure, i'll miss trinity and the place i went everyday for the past thirteen years but sometimes,  you just have to let go of the past or you'll completely miss out on the present. After all, we're never guaranteed tomorrow. My mom always says that last part. props to lil melin. But, in my words: Peace out montgomery. I won't miss the interconnections and everyone being in each other's business. I won't miss having nothing to do, but i will miss the people i leave behind and nancy's. always nancy…

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change 
Gotta gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leaving

And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then
zac brown band
i'm not a country fan…but i can't stop listening to this song
and scene.

back to black

     There is no such thing as personal space in my house anymore. I sincerely think my family has lost their minds, every single one of them. The reason? 10 days, i'm not even kidding. My imminent departure is having different effects on my family and they're taking it out on me. They've lost their damn minds. Their mindset is that i'm CHOOSING to leave, nevermind that not attending college was never an option. And i thought that waiting to graduate was torture. This little idea has latched inside my mom's brain, like inception, and has take hold. Whenever I try to leave, she says: but you're leaving so soon. you'll see these people everyday and you only have a few days left with me, stay home. It's driving me up the wall, i'm going insane…for real this time. Our  family beach trip was a success, i really enjoyed soaking up the sun and took advantage of everyone being in a good mood to add to my sweater collection. Love brooks brothers..but now i'm back home and i'm stress eating. Literally inhaling handful of my strawberry mini wheats as i set aside what clothes i'm taking…the amount is nauseating. i'm listening to amy winehouse right now while i'm deciding which tshirts to take…the amount of trinity shirts i have is just sad. I really liked amy winehouse…she was a misunderstood talent. I just went off on a huge tangent but back to my soliloquy.


     My family is forcing me to spend quality time with them. This is time i should be spending out of the house, with people I want to see, having fun before i'm thrust into rush where i'll stress the whole time. There are days where my parents do the whole push me away because i'm leaving, those are good days. The bad days are when they want my presence around with a bone-crushing intensity that is quite like suffocation. Hellloo?? my house resembles casey anthony's mind right now…psychotic and soul sucking. Somebody help me puhlease…i get so bored in this house that i sneak out to go for a run. yes, the only way they let me out yesterday was for exercise…It's bad when you're watching shawshank redemption and you think: huh, reminds me of home. If morgan freeman could do the voiceover for my life, that would be just grand. his voice is magic. There's this movie i want to see at the capri tonight that ends TONIGHT.  its called 13 assassins. it's in japanese with english subtitles and includes a 40 minute action sequence. i gotta go see it with my bro, camille, who has been incognito for a month. i've missed her and we don't have much time left! Sorry if my life seems pathetic right now…it kinda is. montgomery is so boring and soul sucking that it puts a dementor to shame…that's bad. But, 10 more days and i'm out. i'll try and keep up my blog in Auburn but no promises. Hopefully i'll be too busy having crazy fun to write…ha ha ha
You went back to what you knew 
So far removed from all that we went through 
And I tread a troubled track 
My odds are stacked 
I'll go back to black 

We only said good-bye with words 
I died a hundred times 
You go back to her 
And I go back to..... 

I go back to us 
amy winehouse
and scene. 

Surf's Up Dude

     I want to be a journalism major. I'm pretty sure i mentioned that in my ode to camp war eagle but i'm reiterating it now. I really love writing and seeing how what I have to say affects people. It's a pretty amazing feeling when I see that people in Spain, or England, or Switzerland are reading my little blog here. Shout out to my peeps outside the U.S! Love ya'll for reading this when you don't even know who I am. I think i'll post some pictures to let you see how I live here in Alabama. Thats my roomy haley and me! i'm in the cam hat. So, it's 20 days till I move to Auburn. That's so crazy. I should be packing for my beach trip I have tomorrow but i'm the world's worst procrastinator so i won't pack a single bikini top till tomorrow morning. Oh well, old habits die hard.
     I really really REALLY love the beach. Right when we enter the vicinity of the ocean and i smell that first whiff of salty air, it's like i could stay here forever. I love walking on hot sand that swallows my feet and manages to find it's way into all my belongings. Tasting the salty water and pretending that no shark would ever feast on me never gets old. I think sitting in an oversized beach chair with a big, floppy hat on just roasting in the sun is the 8th wonder of the world. For real. And, i'm not being egotistical, it never fails for me to be hit on by a 16 year old just floating in the water. I'll bring my mac "cheese" with me to keep my beach adventure posted. I'm also a fan of beach people watching. Nothing compares, not even Trinity sporting events or a trip to Francesca's. God, the things people wear to the beach. The older, heavier woman that still think wearing a two piece is even acceptable and not revolting blow my mind. I'm just saying, i'm not the only person out there who wants to vomit at the sight of all those unsightly rolls and crevices. Sorry, that got a little visual but it had to be said. I gotta address the fact that some guys wear wayyyy too tiny mankinis. Please leave some to the imagination and stop stuffing to make yourself look better. Attention wannabe studs: sucking in and begin really tan does not make up for the fact that you're creeping me out with your sidelong glances and grey lawn of chesthair. Gag me. It's really crazy when you see someone who actually looks halfway decent at the beach. It's like finding a needle in a haystack really. But sometimes, people go a little too far, thinking they look totally hot and wear the craziest bathing suits. i mean, this is not a nude beach, oh wait, now i see the string of a bikini you're wearing. yeah, blech. I think the people decide its smart to mix beer or any alcohol with extreme heat are my favorite. hey, you're making a fool of yourself but you're so entertaining, carry on.
    Food at the beach is AMAZING. i love seafood, om nom nom. lobster and seafood pasta are the bomb.com. ok, i'm being really sporadic and i'm tired. it's been a really long day and lets just say, things will always catch up with you. always. your past doesn't fade away with your thought of it, it will always wriggle it's way back in and screw things up. sorry, that's depressing but it's been like that these past few days. I'm excited for auburn and starting over. Tabula rosa: that means clean slate.
here's my new song:
it's seven o'clock
i already feel late
all the pain from my stress are beating my chest
about decisions i've had to make
well i breathe in light
and i breathe out light
run my hands through my hair, threw my breath in the air
oh, i'm so tired of running

when all your bad boys have gone sour
and you're shivering, cold and alone in a shower
oh baby that soap won't make you clean
screaming at jesus just to let you bleed

it's seven-thirty
i can smell the candles burning
i could go to sleep now
i'll just wait till morning
when the melodies come and sing me stories
all the birds that can talk
no, they're never boring

there's nothing like hearing that girl cry on the receiver
and your stomach hurts so bad 'cause you think you need her
so you down that cough syrup
you love feeling so screwed up
and you crawl up those steps and read yourself to sleep
yeah, you crawl up those steps and sing yourself to peace

it's eight o'clock
she didn't eat today
yeah, hurting herself's never felt this great
well you see that green hill, friend
that's where i'm gonna be
watching glory coming in the form of morning

i was found on that dark hillside
with a certain painting by my side
screaming: knock down the house of regret
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel younger and younger
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel like you can't again
knock it down, pave it over
till your heart's warmer and warmer
knock it down, pave it over
till you wake up born again
wild sweet orange: check em out
and scene.

The Perks of Being a Strange Bird

     I've been doing a lot of serious thinking lately, trying to figure out what i'm really doing with my life, what direction i'm taking and whether i'm making some major mistakes. Taking a step back from your life and really surveying all that you've done, all that you want to do, and those that you have in your life can honestly be scary. There are so many components to one person's life and I am no exception. I get easily tangled up in so many situations because I want to experience everything and always say "at least I tried." I'm an easily dissatisfied person, that's a good category to put myself in. I'm an honest person and that is probably my biggest mistake. You see, I always believe that people are as honest with me, as I am with them. Yes, always. I think people are innately good, even if I perceive things in a centrally pessimistic manner. This doesn't mean I don't have my doubts when people tell me certain things, I just hate being lied to. Nothing hurts more than knowing you didn't matter enough to receive the truth, or that someone thinks so little of you that you will believe anything they say. A blatant lie is a crippling thing, and a liar is someone who will always make their way into my life. They will always take advantage and become a leech, or a parasite; sucking the energy and time from a person they "care about."
     I've come to realize that, while people can relate easily to what i'm thinking or talking about, I perceive things differently than others. I'm not trying to be egotistical or make myself seem different from the masses, believe me, I'm just like anybody. But sometimes, and these times are increasing rapidly, I feel like nobody gets things the way I do. Maybe i'm just weird and notice minute details that slip past others' radar. I'm reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and again, the honesty becomes a crippling factor. An achilles heel if you will. It seems to me that those who are inherently more honest, are viewed as simple, naive, and different. It's as if lying is viewed as the determining factor of normalcy. Please, could someone tell me when honesty and a simple belief in human decency was viewed as weak or strange? I think about these things and they keep me up at night. I guess i'm just susceptible to deceit…great. Move in day is 22 days away and i'm being my O.C.D. self and panicking daily. I have to have everything just so and I have a nagging feeling that i'm not going to be ready. lets not even delve into my emotional status right now…thats a minefield waiting to detonate. i know i'm just prattling on right now but i'm feeling kinda weird and needed to let this out.        
     i'm leaving for the beach wednesday and i bought some stuff for my trip and i'm excited. i'm still looking for a hippie headband to wear, ya know the ones that tie in the back and go braided across a forehead? i want one that tribal print colors, i love tribal or aztec prints. just call me Pocahontas, yall. Again, I'm reading "perks" and the way it's written inspires me all the more to continue my plan with majoring in journalism. The honesty and expression: I feel infinite, is just brilliant, bloody brilliant. yeah, i saw harry potter again today. still going through post potter depression and being a music addict. to each his own i guess.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Perks of being a wallflower- new fav book
and scene.

It All Ends.

     Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Malfoy, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Hedwig, Hogwarts, Snape, Sirius, Bellatrix, and Voldermort. All names that have been mentioned countless times throughout a decade of my life and each with an unexplainable significance to millions.
     Last night I attended my final Harry Potter premiere and it was, in a word, bittersweet. Seeing all the other fans in wizard decor always brings back a flood of memories from my childhood. Ever since second grade, I have been engrossed with the Harry Potter world. I remember going to see that first movie in 2001 and thinking that nothing could ever top it. Throughout the years, I read every single book, buying them the day they were released and never putting them down until I was finished. The intricate world that J.K. Rowling created just fascinated me and left me, as well as many others, hungry for more. In fourth and fifth grade, let's just say I got a little obsessed. I had a major crush on Daniel Radcliffe and loved it when anyone said I looked like Hermione. I was a serious HP fan, it's a little embarrassing to look back on.
     Of course like any other fan I had my favorite characters. Harry was always number one on my list, followed closely by Sirius and Malfoy. I can't explain why I always had a thing for Malfoy, he's such a simpering guy but I feel bad for him. Sirius was just a baller, case closed. I loved Harry because he wasn't a crazy amazing wizard who could do anything, he was just a normal guy who had fame and a crippling prophecy thrust upon him. Without that scar, he would have been a completely normal, if not slightly brooding wizard. People may scoff at the thick and interwoven plot of HP, but it has to be one of the most brilliant story lines I have ever seen. The Deathly Hallows is my favorite book by far, team hallows over horcruxes any day. Holla. I have this ritual when I reread the series. I always read the Hallows first, then read the Sorcerer's stone through the Hallows again. My philosophy is that it helps you really tie all of the intricate details together, from end to beginning back to end. Call me crazy but it works.

      The end of an era can be heartbreaking. I remember finishing the Hallows for the first time, after recovering over the fact snape was good and apologizing to him in my head, and lingering on that last page, not wanting to read it and knowing it was finally over. I know I sound like a complete freak right now, but I know that so many people feel the same way as me. Many people have said that the ending of Harry Potter was the ending of a childhood and that is one of the most depressing things I have ever heard. I heard that statement countless times last night as we waited in the most insane line I have ever seen. I had been anticipating this for the past week, if not for the past 10 years. This was the premiere to end all premieres, I say this with a learned conviction because I have been to my fair share. I have the past 4 under my belt, as well as all the Twilights. Not many things can top a premiere. You see the craziest people and get so excited about seeing a much anticipated movie right when it comes out. Downing vaults to stay awake, watching the previous movie with friends before, and standing in line for hours all add to the overall experience. Last night, elise, avery, lacy, lisa, madison, carrington and I all attended the premiere. Stephen and Meredith were lost once we got inside. We all piled in a car, lil Carrington in tow and hallows marks visible, and stood in awe as we saw the huge line that wrapped around the theatre like Nagini. little hp joke for your benefit. We even got there at 10 and people had been there since 8…in the morning. It was a little hot and sticky but soon, luck came our way. Everyone with 2D tickets were allowed to come to the front of the line, too bad I had a 3D but madison managed to sneak me in under a blanket…the things I do for Harry. I have never failed to get a seat in the top row and it was so last night.
     The movie was everything I thought it would be and, clichely, so much more. It was definitely the best one and lived up to Rowling's novel beautifully. I was on the edge of my seat a good part of the movie, gasping along with the theatre when Harry fumbled for Horcruxes, learned that Snape was good after all, that Dumbledore was a complete arse, that Neville was hot, when people look unattractive, and when Harry realized he was the final Horcrux. The final movie was brimming with action and plot twists and plot linkings, tying everything we have ever known and wondered about Harry Potter into an amazing package. Sincerely mind. blown. In short, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II had to be one of, if not the greatest cinematic experience. Sure, it is the end of an era, a childhood for millions per say but, contradictory to the celebrated tagline, it never really ends. Not really.
After all this time, Severus?
Always.
Stay close to me.
Always.
And Scene.