I Believe in Auburn…and Love It!

       Whoever said high school was the best years of your life was smoking some serious drugs. College is the best experience you can ever hope to have. Things that mattered so much in high school, don't matter worth a shit now. The cattiness of high school and the insecurities and the drama all fade away when you come to college. Things are so much freer and people are so freaking accepting that sometimes I wake up and wonder: is this real life? 
        Even trekking to class everyday doesn't dampen my mood. Most days my classes don't start till 11, i have an hour for lunch, and then classes end at 2:50. I get to take naps whenerrrrr i want and if i wanna go grab some chick fil a, go to the
 library (lame), or stay out late I CAN. nobody is my boss but me and I lurve it. I seriously meet new people everyday and being on a campus this large can bring in some pretty cool and some pretty weird cats. I don't know if its the newfound freedom, but i can only count on one hand the people that I don't like and have just met. Auburn is seriously the friendliest, most approachable place on earth. It's not like a creepy HI!!!! wherever you go, it's just a feeling of being comfortable when you have to grab some lunch alone and work on your laptop. Its the feeling of walking into a class of 250 and not knowing a soul but when you walk out you know at least 3 and they'll remember your name next week. It's a tangible feeling of a home you've never known and i couldn't be happier. One thing that can just tick anyone off might just be the avid cyclists milling about campus. They are the most inconsiderate people on this earth i think. I applaud them on their ability to maneuver between the crowds and narrowly escape confrontations with trash cans and cars alike but whenever i hear a chain clinking or pedals pumping i know i'm going to have to jump out of the way. Must be the irrational fear of getting my heels clipped. People stare a lot here, too. Like i constantly have to ask Haley if I have grown a third eye or something the way people stare. Everybody stares at everyone, guess its just a curiosity thing. At least put on some sunglasses so I can't see your eyes please. Just so you know, a tigercard is the best thing ever invented. During my lunch break, I buy some sushi, philly rolls, and a DP and go eat with my friends Bethany and Lil Logan. I just swipe that little card and its done. It's amazing and I eat dinner at chick fil a like every night. Panda express comes to Auburn today!!! Totes excited, come on freshman 50.

      College wasn't completely what I expected. The fact that I just let go of so many factors of my old life and embraced all college has to offer is scary. It's easy to forget about Trinity and the people who go there. When you don't see people everyday and you're insanely busy, they start to fade. Sure, some people who are so important to me still remain in my sight but others…just aren't there anymore. I thought when I went back for the Trinity football game I would be more nostalgic and weepy but truth be told, there is so much more out there than that small bubble of my home town and school. I've met so many people from different walks of life and I really have grown up in the short weeks i've been here. Having to fend for yourself all the time and manage your time, money, and relationships can cause someone to mature and not take things for granted. My mindset of thinking has also been affected. It's surprisingly easier to deal with things when I know I am not alone. I have a whole sorority and other friends to lean on to get me through hard times and I am so thankful for that. Haley is my roomy and we go everywhere together! Dinner, Chapter, Swaps, Phi Tau, Gym, and laundry are all together and I love that I don't have to worry about being alone all the time. Well, I'm tired which is always the case. I'll try and blog about my upcoming events soon. Can't wait for this weekend and the game! yeah, I have a date. I'll post pics. 


I had a way then losing it all on my own, 
I had a heart then but the Queen has been overthrown,
And I'm not sleeping now the dark is too hard to beat, 
And I'm not keeping now the strength I need to push me.

You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, 
You shine It when I'm alone,
And so I tell myself that I'll be strong,
And dreaming when they're gone.

'Cause they're calling, calling, calling me home, 
Calling, calling, calling home. 
You show the lights that stop me turn to stone, 
You shine It when I'm alone. 
    Ellie Goulding is my girl and Lights is my jam. Bassnectar biatch.
and scene. 

What Would You Doooo….For a Bid?

     War Damn, ya'll. I'm back to the blogging world. Why you may ask? Because I am experiencing my first instance of boredom in college life. That's right: mandatory study hours in the chapter room. Little blog world, there is so much to tell about my new life that i won't be able to fit it all in one blogpost. That would be insane! Let's start off by saying college is the best time of your life thus far. The unyielding freedom in every aspect of life is intoxicating. Like, i'm in awe every single day at how much fun i'm having and how happy I am. Sure the long trek to class each day and the never failing heat can be a bummer but i would take that instead of being stuck in montgomery any day.

    Auburn is perfect. The town is precious and really not too small. The campus is gorgeous, my room isn't that bad, and almost everyone is awesome. I've met so many great new people. Don't get me wrong, there are a bunch of creepers out there but even those creeps are still pretty cool. I'll dedicate a post to all the sorority and frat stereotypes and whether those involved live up to their name. So before I could have all this fun, i had to endure a minor portion of hell. That would be RUSH, ya'll and its the closest thing to torture anyone could ever imagine. You spend your days primping and polishing until you are thrust into the heat for extended periods of time only to be teased with a promise of air conditioning. For small portions of time, you are sent in single file, with about 75 other girls, into a small, seemingly ornate chapter room where about 100 or more screaming sorority girls await you. During these painful moments of time, small talk is forced with your assigned hostess. During these minute and scathingly shallow conversations, you are judged on what you wear, how you talk, how pretty you are, how much you weigh, your hair, and any other possible thing you can think of. One of the scariest parts? the person and the people you are switched off to, know almost everything about you. They've read and studied your transcript and Facebook like you're the biggest exam of their lives and failure is not an option. As badly as you are trying to impress these girls, they're trying equally as hard to impress you. Touring around 17 different sororities trying to find the perfect fit can be a little overwhelming, especially when all you have milling about are about 1,500 girls all vying for a chosen spot in Auburn's elite. The cattiness and potential eye clawing, not to mention blatant body scans, blood curdling stares,  and high pitched wails are enough to make anyone want to drop out of the whole process all together. What you need is a strong support system and a hot shower every night.
      As each day wears on and the emotional turmoil begins to kick into overdrive, girls are cut from favorites and the phrase "my life is over" resonates around the village. While I never felt so at a loss for hope, I did feel the weariness of a week filled with cheer, first impressions, fraudulence, heat, paired with the need to form ties with people you barely know and not knowing what will happen tomorrow can impede on anyone's sanity. In the end, you end up where you are supposed to be. Through the tears, the blisters, the sore, rusty throat, the sweating, and the mental breakdowns at 2 in the morning, you wait in your line on bid day. Hundreds of people are there to watch the reactions. Whether you cry, laugh, scream, or trample each other, each action is welcome for the crowd. As you wait in anticipation for Aubie to roll up and deliver your bid, could be one of the worst feelings in the world. After you get your bid and rip it open and run to your letters, life is never the same. Seriously, it isn't. Tri Delta runs my life and I love it. I gotta sleep and get ready for class but i'll blog about sorority life so soon. Auburn is great, sincerely. War Damn Eagle Bitches.

and scene.

Wait, I'm leaving when??? Isshhhh

     I need a remote control for my life…Things are going by so fast and I can't believe that in 9 days, i'm leaving. I look back and it makes me feel sick to know that i'm done with trinity and the people there and i'm moving to auburn to actually start my life. I had to run by trinity today to drop carrington off for God knows what and to pay a bill. I didn't think anything of it until i was about to dart through the burgundy doors of the main hall until i stopped. Cut off white vneck, nike shorts, hair in a messy bun, barefoot, and lacking makeup i stopped in the empty hallway. I just had to set the scene. I seriously thought, this is the LAST time i will set foot, and isn't it rebellious that it wasn't shoe clad, into that school before school year officially starts. It made me feel like i was still a senior, that it was my school. Then, i saw someone fast approaching so i threw on my aviators and ran into my truck. I barely recognize my school. Ok, that's a wee bit dramatic. Right when I leave they would decide to pave a cobblestone walk, plant some trees, and add a whole new building with floor to ceiling windows…so jealous. I mean, i'm gaining complete freedom and the ability to live with reckless abandonment but seriously, floor to ceiling windows? Damn them. 
    I started writing that at like 3 in the morning on friday i think. It's a week now till I move in and things finally change. Spazzing out at 2 am and cataloguing my college stuff and wardrobe is now a habit and hyperventilating in stores and spending a fortune are nothing to blink at. I am now the master of depressing goodbye playlists and holding my tears in until i'm alone. While many people I love are going with me on this roller coaster of fun, i'm leaving a few behind that make up a huge part of my life. I think that's what's really bothering me and making it so hard. God, if i just didn't care about people things would get easier. I got a pair of chacos yesterday so i'm officially a college kid…i feel totes cool. Don't get me started on how my mom is taking this. I was in my room today cleaning out stuff and packing when she walked in and talked with me for a sec. She picks up my trinity senior shirt, says: I cant do this, and swiftly exits the room. I came downstairs to grab some refreshments to find her sobbing into the dishwater as she washed dishes…She's not doing so hot. My dad's doing the push me away thing, and carrington isn't home all week. My mom works all week except on Tuesday and we're bonding but Doug is working all week except wednesday when we're going  to auburn just to look around. So, I only have Monday and Thursday all to myself so i'm going to make the most of those two days. God knows when i'll have time to be completely alone again. So, I'm happy but I'm sad. I'm ready but I'm rendered breathless at the thought of leaving. The crippling feeling of loss scares me. I'm coming back to watch carrington at trinity's first football game but then, who knows when i'll be back. It's scary but invigorating. Sure, i'll miss trinity and the place i went everyday for the past thirteen years but sometimes,  you just have to let go of the past or you'll completely miss out on the present. After all, we're never guaranteed tomorrow. My mom always says that last part. props to lil melin. But, in my words: Peace out montgomery. I won't miss the interconnections and everyone being in each other's business. I won't miss having nothing to do, but i will miss the people i leave behind and nancy's. always nancy…

Oh I wanna see you again
But I'm stuck in colder weather
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
Cause I'm a ramblin' man
I ain't ever gonna change 
Gotta gypsy soul to blame
And I was born for leaving

And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
I can smell your perfume through these whispering pines
I'm with your ghost again
It's a shame about the weather
But I know soon we'll be together
And I can't wait till then
I can't wait till then
zac brown band
i'm not a country fan…but i can't stop listening to this song
and scene.

back to black

     There is no such thing as personal space in my house anymore. I sincerely think my family has lost their minds, every single one of them. The reason? 10 days, i'm not even kidding. My imminent departure is having different effects on my family and they're taking it out on me. They've lost their damn minds. Their mindset is that i'm CHOOSING to leave, nevermind that not attending college was never an option. And i thought that waiting to graduate was torture. This little idea has latched inside my mom's brain, like inception, and has take hold. Whenever I try to leave, she says: but you're leaving so soon. you'll see these people everyday and you only have a few days left with me, stay home. It's driving me up the wall, i'm going insane…for real this time. Our  family beach trip was a success, i really enjoyed soaking up the sun and took advantage of everyone being in a good mood to add to my sweater collection. Love brooks brothers..but now i'm back home and i'm stress eating. Literally inhaling handful of my strawberry mini wheats as i set aside what clothes i'm taking…the amount is nauseating. i'm listening to amy winehouse right now while i'm deciding which tshirts to take…the amount of trinity shirts i have is just sad. I really liked amy winehouse…she was a misunderstood talent. I just went off on a huge tangent but back to my soliloquy.


     My family is forcing me to spend quality time with them. This is time i should be spending out of the house, with people I want to see, having fun before i'm thrust into rush where i'll stress the whole time. There are days where my parents do the whole push me away because i'm leaving, those are good days. The bad days are when they want my presence around with a bone-crushing intensity that is quite like suffocation. Hellloo?? my house resembles casey anthony's mind right now…psychotic and soul sucking. Somebody help me puhlease…i get so bored in this house that i sneak out to go for a run. yes, the only way they let me out yesterday was for exercise…It's bad when you're watching shawshank redemption and you think: huh, reminds me of home. If morgan freeman could do the voiceover for my life, that would be just grand. his voice is magic. There's this movie i want to see at the capri tonight that ends TONIGHT.  its called 13 assassins. it's in japanese with english subtitles and includes a 40 minute action sequence. i gotta go see it with my bro, camille, who has been incognito for a month. i've missed her and we don't have much time left! Sorry if my life seems pathetic right now…it kinda is. montgomery is so boring and soul sucking that it puts a dementor to shame…that's bad. But, 10 more days and i'm out. i'll try and keep up my blog in Auburn but no promises. Hopefully i'll be too busy having crazy fun to write…ha ha ha
You went back to what you knew 
So far removed from all that we went through 
And I tread a troubled track 
My odds are stacked 
I'll go back to black 

We only said good-bye with words 
I died a hundred times 
You go back to her 
And I go back to..... 

I go back to us 
amy winehouse
and scene. 

Surf's Up Dude

     I want to be a journalism major. I'm pretty sure i mentioned that in my ode to camp war eagle but i'm reiterating it now. I really love writing and seeing how what I have to say affects people. It's a pretty amazing feeling when I see that people in Spain, or England, or Switzerland are reading my little blog here. Shout out to my peeps outside the U.S! Love ya'll for reading this when you don't even know who I am. I think i'll post some pictures to let you see how I live here in Alabama. Thats my roomy haley and me! i'm in the cam hat. So, it's 20 days till I move to Auburn. That's so crazy. I should be packing for my beach trip I have tomorrow but i'm the world's worst procrastinator so i won't pack a single bikini top till tomorrow morning. Oh well, old habits die hard.
     I really really REALLY love the beach. Right when we enter the vicinity of the ocean and i smell that first whiff of salty air, it's like i could stay here forever. I love walking on hot sand that swallows my feet and manages to find it's way into all my belongings. Tasting the salty water and pretending that no shark would ever feast on me never gets old. I think sitting in an oversized beach chair with a big, floppy hat on just roasting in the sun is the 8th wonder of the world. For real. And, i'm not being egotistical, it never fails for me to be hit on by a 16 year old just floating in the water. I'll bring my mac "cheese" with me to keep my beach adventure posted. I'm also a fan of beach people watching. Nothing compares, not even Trinity sporting events or a trip to Francesca's. God, the things people wear to the beach. The older, heavier woman that still think wearing a two piece is even acceptable and not revolting blow my mind. I'm just saying, i'm not the only person out there who wants to vomit at the sight of all those unsightly rolls and crevices. Sorry, that got a little visual but it had to be said. I gotta address the fact that some guys wear wayyyy too tiny mankinis. Please leave some to the imagination and stop stuffing to make yourself look better. Attention wannabe studs: sucking in and begin really tan does not make up for the fact that you're creeping me out with your sidelong glances and grey lawn of chesthair. Gag me. It's really crazy when you see someone who actually looks halfway decent at the beach. It's like finding a needle in a haystack really. But sometimes, people go a little too far, thinking they look totally hot and wear the craziest bathing suits. i mean, this is not a nude beach, oh wait, now i see the string of a bikini you're wearing. yeah, blech. I think the people decide its smart to mix beer or any alcohol with extreme heat are my favorite. hey, you're making a fool of yourself but you're so entertaining, carry on.
    Food at the beach is AMAZING. i love seafood, om nom nom. lobster and seafood pasta are the bomb.com. ok, i'm being really sporadic and i'm tired. it's been a really long day and lets just say, things will always catch up with you. always. your past doesn't fade away with your thought of it, it will always wriggle it's way back in and screw things up. sorry, that's depressing but it's been like that these past few days. I'm excited for auburn and starting over. Tabula rosa: that means clean slate.
here's my new song:
it's seven o'clock
i already feel late
all the pain from my stress are beating my chest
about decisions i've had to make
well i breathe in light
and i breathe out light
run my hands through my hair, threw my breath in the air
oh, i'm so tired of running

when all your bad boys have gone sour
and you're shivering, cold and alone in a shower
oh baby that soap won't make you clean
screaming at jesus just to let you bleed

it's seven-thirty
i can smell the candles burning
i could go to sleep now
i'll just wait till morning
when the melodies come and sing me stories
all the birds that can talk
no, they're never boring

there's nothing like hearing that girl cry on the receiver
and your stomach hurts so bad 'cause you think you need her
so you down that cough syrup
you love feeling so screwed up
and you crawl up those steps and read yourself to sleep
yeah, you crawl up those steps and sing yourself to peace

it's eight o'clock
she didn't eat today
yeah, hurting herself's never felt this great
well you see that green hill, friend
that's where i'm gonna be
watching glory coming in the form of morning

i was found on that dark hillside
with a certain painting by my side
screaming: knock down the house of regret
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel younger and younger
knock it down, pave it over
till you feel like you can't again
knock it down, pave it over
till your heart's warmer and warmer
knock it down, pave it over
till you wake up born again
wild sweet orange: check em out
and scene.

The Perks of Being a Strange Bird

     I've been doing a lot of serious thinking lately, trying to figure out what i'm really doing with my life, what direction i'm taking and whether i'm making some major mistakes. Taking a step back from your life and really surveying all that you've done, all that you want to do, and those that you have in your life can honestly be scary. There are so many components to one person's life and I am no exception. I get easily tangled up in so many situations because I want to experience everything and always say "at least I tried." I'm an easily dissatisfied person, that's a good category to put myself in. I'm an honest person and that is probably my biggest mistake. You see, I always believe that people are as honest with me, as I am with them. Yes, always. I think people are innately good, even if I perceive things in a centrally pessimistic manner. This doesn't mean I don't have my doubts when people tell me certain things, I just hate being lied to. Nothing hurts more than knowing you didn't matter enough to receive the truth, or that someone thinks so little of you that you will believe anything they say. A blatant lie is a crippling thing, and a liar is someone who will always make their way into my life. They will always take advantage and become a leech, or a parasite; sucking the energy and time from a person they "care about."
     I've come to realize that, while people can relate easily to what i'm thinking or talking about, I perceive things differently than others. I'm not trying to be egotistical or make myself seem different from the masses, believe me, I'm just like anybody. But sometimes, and these times are increasing rapidly, I feel like nobody gets things the way I do. Maybe i'm just weird and notice minute details that slip past others' radar. I'm reading "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" and again, the honesty becomes a crippling factor. An achilles heel if you will. It seems to me that those who are inherently more honest, are viewed as simple, naive, and different. It's as if lying is viewed as the determining factor of normalcy. Please, could someone tell me when honesty and a simple belief in human decency was viewed as weak or strange? I think about these things and they keep me up at night. I guess i'm just susceptible to deceit…great. Move in day is 22 days away and i'm being my O.C.D. self and panicking daily. I have to have everything just so and I have a nagging feeling that i'm not going to be ready. lets not even delve into my emotional status right now…thats a minefield waiting to detonate. i know i'm just prattling on right now but i'm feeling kinda weird and needed to let this out.        
     i'm leaving for the beach wednesday and i bought some stuff for my trip and i'm excited. i'm still looking for a hippie headband to wear, ya know the ones that tie in the back and go braided across a forehead? i want one that tribal print colors, i love tribal or aztec prints. just call me Pocahontas, yall. Again, I'm reading "perks" and the way it's written inspires me all the more to continue my plan with majoring in journalism. The honesty and expression: I feel infinite, is just brilliant, bloody brilliant. yeah, i saw harry potter again today. still going through post potter depression and being a music addict. to each his own i guess.
We accept the love we think we deserve.
Perks of being a wallflower- new fav book
and scene.

It All Ends.

     Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Malfoy, Dumbledore, Hagrid, Hedwig, Hogwarts, Snape, Sirius, Bellatrix, and Voldermort. All names that have been mentioned countless times throughout a decade of my life and each with an unexplainable significance to millions.
     Last night I attended my final Harry Potter premiere and it was, in a word, bittersweet. Seeing all the other fans in wizard decor always brings back a flood of memories from my childhood. Ever since second grade, I have been engrossed with the Harry Potter world. I remember going to see that first movie in 2001 and thinking that nothing could ever top it. Throughout the years, I read every single book, buying them the day they were released and never putting them down until I was finished. The intricate world that J.K. Rowling created just fascinated me and left me, as well as many others, hungry for more. In fourth and fifth grade, let's just say I got a little obsessed. I had a major crush on Daniel Radcliffe and loved it when anyone said I looked like Hermione. I was a serious HP fan, it's a little embarrassing to look back on.
     Of course like any other fan I had my favorite characters. Harry was always number one on my list, followed closely by Sirius and Malfoy. I can't explain why I always had a thing for Malfoy, he's such a simpering guy but I feel bad for him. Sirius was just a baller, case closed. I loved Harry because he wasn't a crazy amazing wizard who could do anything, he was just a normal guy who had fame and a crippling prophecy thrust upon him. Without that scar, he would have been a completely normal, if not slightly brooding wizard. People may scoff at the thick and interwoven plot of HP, but it has to be one of the most brilliant story lines I have ever seen. The Deathly Hallows is my favorite book by far, team hallows over horcruxes any day. Holla. I have this ritual when I reread the series. I always read the Hallows first, then read the Sorcerer's stone through the Hallows again. My philosophy is that it helps you really tie all of the intricate details together, from end to beginning back to end. Call me crazy but it works.

      The end of an era can be heartbreaking. I remember finishing the Hallows for the first time, after recovering over the fact snape was good and apologizing to him in my head, and lingering on that last page, not wanting to read it and knowing it was finally over. I know I sound like a complete freak right now, but I know that so many people feel the same way as me. Many people have said that the ending of Harry Potter was the ending of a childhood and that is one of the most depressing things I have ever heard. I heard that statement countless times last night as we waited in the most insane line I have ever seen. I had been anticipating this for the past week, if not for the past 10 years. This was the premiere to end all premieres, I say this with a learned conviction because I have been to my fair share. I have the past 4 under my belt, as well as all the Twilights. Not many things can top a premiere. You see the craziest people and get so excited about seeing a much anticipated movie right when it comes out. Downing vaults to stay awake, watching the previous movie with friends before, and standing in line for hours all add to the overall experience. Last night, elise, avery, lacy, lisa, madison, carrington and I all attended the premiere. Stephen and Meredith were lost once we got inside. We all piled in a car, lil Carrington in tow and hallows marks visible, and stood in awe as we saw the huge line that wrapped around the theatre like Nagini. little hp joke for your benefit. We even got there at 10 and people had been there since 8…in the morning. It was a little hot and sticky but soon, luck came our way. Everyone with 2D tickets were allowed to come to the front of the line, too bad I had a 3D but madison managed to sneak me in under a blanket…the things I do for Harry. I have never failed to get a seat in the top row and it was so last night.
     The movie was everything I thought it would be and, clichely, so much more. It was definitely the best one and lived up to Rowling's novel beautifully. I was on the edge of my seat a good part of the movie, gasping along with the theatre when Harry fumbled for Horcruxes, learned that Snape was good after all, that Dumbledore was a complete arse, that Neville was hot, when people look unattractive, and when Harry realized he was the final Horcrux. The final movie was brimming with action and plot twists and plot linkings, tying everything we have ever known and wondered about Harry Potter into an amazing package. Sincerely mind. blown. In short, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part II had to be one of, if not the greatest cinematic experience. Sure, it is the end of an era, a childhood for millions per say but, contradictory to the celebrated tagline, it never really ends. Not really.
After all this time, Severus?
Always.
Stay close to me.
Always.
And Scene.