Maybe it's due to a loss of shell shock. Maybe the smoke cleared and the dust settled. Maybe it's just me putting things off to deal with them later. Or maybe, I was kidding myself by saying I hated montgomery, trinity, and my whole life and needed something new. Wanting things you cannot have is an unavoidable part of human nature, i guess that's what makes it so tantalizing and appealing. Nobody likes the impossible and I always love a challenge, that's why i've been yearning to turn back the clock and reset it at a year, or maybe two ago. People can go on and on about "living with no regrets" but, as hard as anyone might try, fight, avoid…regrets in life are never elusive. And i am starting to be ok with that. I've made peace with my demons as best I can and know that you can always regret something, you just have to move past it and keep living. While at Auburn, I've been learning things, been put in certain positions that show me Trinity and Montgomery were not so bad. Where all I had to worry about was graduating in a school where I knew failure wasn't going to happen. Where everybody knows your name and you feel proud and important to go to Trinity and have your friends. Where my biggest concern in life was my boyfriend, going out with friends, and if i made it back on time before curfew. I thought that was hard. Now, my mind is filled with so many worries and frustrations that it make me sick. Literally though, I have a brutal sinus infection and nasty case of bronchitis. my incessant coughing leads to stares from neighboring students and sleepless nights due to a gut wracking, chest clenching cough that never stops. I have to sit in an English class where i'm told i can barely write a C level paper and feel like my "gift" was just good by Montgomery standards. That my worst fear, that I can't write, is finally coming to fruition. In a school this large, i finally feel what it's like to be insignificant. Sure, i've been wrapped up in my own little bubble to fend off these feelings, but it's not hard for them to latch on and seep in. I don't feel like the same person. I'm better in some aspects: i'm more accepting, less tempted to be angry, and more optimistic but i'm starting to feel lost and doubting myself, something i don't like feeling.
I'm a naturally curious person so i've begun questioning myself on some of things that are bothering me. I've decided to work harder and be determined to excel and not feel a woe begotten feeling of need when I thing of my old life. I can't have it and all I have is now. I know I am not insignificant to the people I love and who love me. I've been to church so much lately and know that, these doubts, this too shall pass. I'm not alone, and I'm loved by people in a way that was impossible in the stifling halls of trinity. I'm done doubting myself and my abilities because I know what I can do, now I just have to get off my ass and grab them by the…hands. Thanks for being my therapist, always appreciated. Oh look, another sunrise and i'm still listening to Adele. sometimes i think: thank God for adele.'Cause there's a side to you
That I never knew, never knew,
All the things you'd say,
They were never true, never true,
And the games you play
You would always win, always win.
But I set fire to the rain,
Watched it pour as I touched your face,
Well, it burned while I cried
'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name!
I set fire to the rain
And I threw us into the flames
Well, it felt something died
'Cause I knew that there was the last time, the last time!
Sometimes I wake up by the door,
That heart you caught must be waiting for you
Even now when we're already over
I can't help myself from looking for you.
let it burn, adele. and scene.
